the condom got lost in my hair
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
