Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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