btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
