Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
