After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
