It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
