Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
