I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
