I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
