I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
