Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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