i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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