is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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