I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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