mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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