I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
