If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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