I'm going to rape someone's good day.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
