in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
