she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
