woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
