If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
