I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
