Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
