I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
