Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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