i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
