I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
