I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
