You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize