haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
