I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
