The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is my gift to your gina
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
