If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
