she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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