You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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