Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
