just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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