My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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