# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
