LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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