Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
