he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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