New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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