i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
