so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
