so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
