A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
