I like to think it a success when the cops are called
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
