I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
