im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
there is glitter all over my balls
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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