Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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