just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
