The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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