hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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